Dog Days

27 May, six more months to go. These are the dog days of NS, when everything crawls just when you want it to go faster. In actual fact, the whole of NS can be described as the dog days of my life. In any case, the second half of this year looks set to be very busy, just when I'm thinking of winding down.

C S Lewis was right when he said the devil's best weapon against us is through the sheer monotony and dreariness of life. Keep the mortals focused on theier everyday tasks. Let them slip into little, "ordinary" sins, small vices that don't harm anyone, that they think don't harm anyone. Let them get comfortable. In the end we become bland, insipid creatures on the highway to hell, borne along by a steady stream of "small" vices. It's always the little things that kill in the end.

I'm afraid I've been travelling on such a stream for a long time now. I feel weighed down by a dozen little things that crop up every so often in my life, only to be pushed down quickly by some other event. And I'm too lazy to deal with them, any of them. I've become almost numb to it all. I don't know when this nonchalence started, but I want to get rid of it. It's dangerous I know. I feel it strongly, this spiritual neglect and apathy. It's like I've lost direction, motivation, strength. I can't keep a steady line of thought going for too long a time now. The only person who can make me flare up with almost diabolical rage these days is my brother, and even then I can't sustain it for long. Perhaps no one can, and in any case it's better for my health not to do so. But I feel a general sense of fatigue about everything these days, a jadedness that's pricked by life's annoyances every now and then. And even so I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being annoyed at every little thing. I'm tired of being tired. I know I shouldn't be affected by my circumstances, that I should rise above them, but I suppose this is the natural end result of someone who loses track of God. Everything goes off track and you become led by whatever happens to fall in your path, instead of you walking confidently forward following the Light.

It's time I did something about this. If you read this and you believe, pray for me.